changing me

I have heard countless mothers tell their picky children about the starving children in Africa. Now I've seen them - and lost my appetite.

Sorry.

Yesterday walking in Jinja a boy and a little girl shoved their hands at me "for food! for food!" and I looked at Diana like a deer in the headlights - what do I do? I didn't want to be mobbed for more money - but they were the only two children around, and I gave them 300 shillings - less than two dollars.

I felt so insignificant as my fingers touched their palms - such a stupid small offering - it would barely buy them a meal, and here I am still sick to my stomach from the food I ate this weekend, and complaining - but at least it's full.

I thought then, about all the people that donated to my trip to Africa - the family, the friends, the people from church, and I wanted to cry. I felt like the only significant thing I've done for anyone I did standing on that street - and it cost me less than two dollars. No, wait, someone donated that money. It cost me nothing.

I have been struck by the sufficiency of Amani - the washing of hands, brushing of teeth, the clean beds and the prayers before breakfast. I give love. I make sure there's toothpaste and soap - and sometimes the mammas don't - i bond with certain children - i give rides on swings. But I look around and my 7:30-1 o'clock shift isn't changing anything catastrophic. I didn't come to change the world, because it's not changing. It's just as twisted as it was - and that little boy and girl are probably hungry all over again tonight, unless someone else hands them a few hundred shillings.

So what I do unravels the next day.

And this is how I have been feeling, here in Africa - so humbled and insignificant.

I have four roomates, full of passion and love for PEOPLE. One is studying to be a teacher - another is passionately against violence, and for human rights. Still another wants to return to Africa with me if I come back. The fourth loves autistic and disabled children - and looks up homes and ideas for the children here while we laugh and talk over our rice and stirfry at dinner.

And so I become insignificant as I sit with these women, with their passion and their humor, their struggles concerning Christ and what He is to them - and their love for the hurting.

The women who run Amani humble me as well - one who lives here, and is moving three residences in one week - but laughs and sings and makes us feel welcome all the time. Another who feels called to be here away from her grandchildren and children. And who talks to me about His calling, and humbles my heart by her passion to love these children. At the end of the day, if I thought I was something unique and great - I stand corrected.

But then there's Louie Giglio showing me the universe, and the darling galaxy - and how the earth is a speck of dust in a sunbeam, but He sets His thoughts on me.

And Francis Chan reminds me that Jeremiah's telling the God who calls him - "Ah, Lord God! Behold, I do not know how to speak, for I am only a youth" was responded to with a "But you, dress yourself for work, arise, and say to them everything that I command you. Do not be dismayed by them, less I dismay you before them."

And then there's David - "He brought me out in a broad place; he rescued me, because he delighted in me." (2 Sam 22).

...And that makes me think of Paul.

While pondering Paul, I have been pondering Third Day's "Who I am" - "I need to be someone who's a lot like you. Easy to see that I sure need something new. Though I try to live life my way, I think it goes to prove that I need to be someone who's like you. And I know that you want to change me, want to rearrange the way I feel inside. Yes, I've heard that you take the broken hearts of lonely souls and you make all things right. But you know who I am? Have you seen the things I've done? Do you know who I am? Have you seen the things I've done? Never before, no there's never been a time that I would implore you to take what's yours and mine and use it in the way you will, in any way you find - never before did I realize but now I do...that you want to change me, want to rearrange the way I feel inside. And I've heard that you take the broken hearts of lonely souls and you make all things right."

Acts 9 - "But the Lord said to him, 'go, for he is a chosen instrument of mine to carry my name before the Gentiles and kings and the children of Israel. For I will show him how much he must suffer for the sake of my name."

I love that before Paul was saved, Christ had already picked out the work he had. Paul - chief of legalists, would be the champion for freedom in Christ. Paul - the cleanest - would go to the dirty. Paul, the most esteemed, would come out three days later preaching something that made him a criminal. Paul - you who were the hero of the synagogue - go back and preach what you persecuted. Go and face all of the people who won't understand - and be bold about it.

And, then I feel like Anaias: "Lord, I have heard from many about this man, how much evil he has done to your saints at Jerusalem. And here he has authority from the chief priests to bind all who call on your name." Oh - but Anaias - I want you to lay your hands on him. I have this plan you're part of - and your fear doesn't factor into it.

...or maybe it does. Maybe Anaias was chosen because he was fearful. Maybe Acts 9 is all about God's heart for about-faces in people's lives. Go to the guy you've been afraid of. Go to the people who won't understand you. But more than the people or the guy - go the place your heart needs to go in order to become courageous. I won't let you stay afraid like this - i have a plan to show my glory in you through your courage. And you - you with your obsession with legalism, go and minister to the gentiles - i plan to use your freedom.

And then there's me - with the fearful and selfish heart and the self-centered way of thinking that I've carried, and He puts a passion in my heart to love others.

He has plans for my love, and my heart - for my selflessness and my others - focused thinking, for my passion for His kingdom rather than my own needs.

And He thought them up before He ever called me to Himself.

So if you sent money with me to Africa - I'm sorry that I'm not changing the world. I'm not doing something that seems significant - volunteers come and they go, and my three week stay looks small next to the amount that most come and live for. I won't blow you out of the water with how your money was used, or the incredible impact I had. There is no Spendy for me here - no child I am begging to bring home, no hopes for changing someones world like that. And even now, I am humbled that I thought I would change his world in ways I could be proud of - rather than Christ changing His life in ways I might never get to see.

But I am being changed. I am learning courage. I am learning selflessness, and I am becoming certain that He has a plan for me, and I can rest in it. I am again, and then again, learning to kill the thoughts that circle only on myself - like C. S. Lewis "I cannot get an inch outside my proper skin" and the black fingers that touch me and pull my moles and freckles teach me to come out of it - they teach me to live beyond my own comfort.

And for that, I can never thank you enough for sending me here...because it has changed MY world.